Breakups are one of life’s most challenging experiences. Whether you're the one being broken up with or the one ending the relationship, the emotional turmoil that follows can be overwhelming.
At Shifting Tides Therapy, we often talk about life and emotions moving in waves—sometimes calm and steady, other times choppy and unsettling. Breakups, especially, can feel like being thrown into the ocean without warning, unsure if you'll find your way back to shore. But the good news is, with time and self-compassion, you can navigate these rough waters and emerge on the other side stronger.
It sounds cliche that “time heals all wounds,” but generally speaking it’s true. Before the wound salve of time kicks in, though, here are some things you can remember during the heat of a breakup.
Recovering from Being Broken Up With
When you’re on the receiving end of a breakup, it can feel like the world has come crashing down. Losing someone so important often feels like a kind of death, and it’s okay to grieve in the same way. In fact, it’s not uncommon to feel worse after a breakup than after a death, and there’s no shame in that. Unlike death, a breakup often brings unresolved emotions and a sense of rejection that’s difficult to reconcile. Whereas while grieving a death, you know you’ll never see that person again, a breakup brings feelings of wondering, “coulda-woulda-shouldas,” and all sorts of questions and regrets.
Self-compassion is key during this time. It’s easy to fall into self-blame or wonder if you could have done something differently, but beating yourself up won’t help you heal. Instead, focus on being kind to yourself. Remind yourself that feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion are completely valid. You’re allowed to mourn the future you thought you’d have with this person.
Finding Joy in Singledom
While breakups are painful, they also offer an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Singledom can be a time of self-discovery and rediscovering joys that may have been overlooked during the relationship. Focus on activities that bring you happiness, whether it's diving into a new hobby, spending time with friends, or even enjoying the peace of your own company.
This period is also a chance to redefine what you want for yourself moving forward. Breakups can often act as a reset, giving you the space to reflect on your needs and desires. It might not feel like it, but this time can be a powerful opportunity for personal growth.
Doing the Breaking Up
Breaking up with someone can be just as difficult as being broken up with. You might feel an overwhelming sense of guilt or question whether you’re doing the right thing. These feelings are normal, and again, it’s important to show yourself compassion during this time. Ending a relationship isn’t easy, and even if you know it’s the right decision, that doesn’t make the emotional weight any lighter.
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, even if you’re the one who initiated the breakup. Just because you chose to end it doesn’t mean it wasn’t important or meaningful to you. In many ways, breakups are a process of letting go, and that can be incredibly painful no matter what side you’re on.
Breakups as Grief
Many people don’t realize just how similar breakups and grief are. The end of a relationship can feel like a profound loss, and you may go through many of the same stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually, acceptance. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing these emotions intensely. Sometimes breakups feel like the world is spinning out of control, and that’s a natural response to such a significant life change.
At Shifting Tides, we embrace the idea that emotions shift like waves. One moment, you might feel calm and accepting, and the next, you’re overwhelmed with sadness or fear. Breakups can feel like that—like one moment the ocean is still, and the next it’s choppy and terrifying. These fluctuations in emotion are a natural part of healing, and with time, the waves do become gentler.
Learning to accept the ebb and flow of emotions after a breakup is crucial for finding peace. Breakups, like many life transitions, teach us about resilience and adaptability.
In time, you’ll find that the chaos of the breakup subsides, and you’ll feel a renewed sense of self. It won’t happen overnight, but as you navigate the waves of emotion with self-compassion and patience, you’ll begin to see that change, while difficult, can ultimately lead to new beginnings.
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